Prelude to a possible death

ha. my heart fucking hurt today. anjd so on. keep on feeling like crying.
...fucking suck. everythign just fucked up .just sucks big time.
totally just.. wonder wheere i stand right now.
ha. just so fucked up. i duno me anymore.
still hate all the slps im getting. sucks.
oh yea. i did said that... everything sucks yea? oh yea. uh huh
sighs.. heart totally just feel like.. jumping out. just wanan stab a knife right through the fucking flesh.
bah. whatever ne. ... nothing matters anymroe anyway. whats there for me to think of.
fuck
hate this word. but . .well, ppl changed right. whatever. just in a totally fucked up shitty mood now.
huh? no. its been liek this ever since... when? ..erm.. .lets see... .since i had my heart cut off? yea. thats tie time.  been doing my best to get over it. but i duno. still tryingman. =/
these couple of days been the worse so far. todya the super worst. and glad its my off. .. sighs.
..bro is flying off midnight.. i mean early mrg. gonna left me just alone at home now .=(/ sighs.
sianz.. no mood to type anything. i hope i'll feel better soon. i dun.. i mena i cant seem to remember how happiness feels like naymore. i rrly cant =( 
o well.
hell goes on everydya.
wahtelse.. well.. nothing much to talk about ba.. feel liek doing some changes to myself.. i duno where to begin .very lazy to start. ..but ynea. .perhaps it could be a good thing. i duno. its itme to do something. otherwise if i remind like htis, i'll die.
mata

Encounters in store

ha.. how funny is this..
new staff standing next to me. i was doing cashiering. in front of me, theres a customer.(of course) . this indian not bad looking student looking guy, came up to my customer, thought shes the sales girl. .and ask her to help him out with a item he's looking for. after he talk and talk, finally the girl(customer) pointed to my new staff and say better to ask others. so.... both of them was left alone. i continue doing my payment with cusomter. lol. then blah3... found out that that guy, say to my new staff.. he like girls with braces. LOLLLLLLLL..... one of my colleague heard it, and was shocked too. lol. omg....... =.='' then new staff replied sorry, she alreyad have bf. he asked for her number. but she don want to gib. then gib him facebook instead. LOL. what kind of a line could come outta a guy's mouth like that???? omg... i like girls with braces? you can say this to your gf... but... if to a stranger, wouldnt that sounds like a desperate pick up line?? hahahah..... this is so weird. omg..... i am soooo glad i did not take over her. gd thing i continue to do cashiering. phew..
then today,. theres this angmoh looking guy. but his name.. is.. j m chia. given his surname, i htink.. maybe he's mixed blood? i duno. anyway, he was asking for item.. then was talking.. he suddenly asked if im a phillipino.. =.= dots. he say cos his fren say what... theres a girl form philipine who gave him discount.. (think its my ex colleague.) anyway, i duno. then i say no. he say then where am i from>? i say singaporean. study overseas? no =.= pure singaporean. he say i have this accent that aint singporean way of talking. (i know.. accent2.. .whatever.. =.= used to it liao. kinda) .. seriously, he's making me nervous in funny way. and i don bother wanna talk to him. i just laugh it over.  -_- the more i tlak, the more questions there';ll be. lazy to chat sia. then continue i ask about his product he need.. then blah3... he asked if i've been to australia? studied there? i say no. i only went there for holidays. before he could prompt further, i think i turned away or something. but not laughing or whatsoever this time. lessons learnt. if guys keep on asking, and i asked hwy he asked me... there'll be continue conversation. so i cut it off. and ba ck to business i go. lol.
yea.. angmoh.. so? like.. -_- whatever. then business... done. thats it. gosh.. he have this attitude.. like.. very angmoh with abit of anything plus arrogance around him. that air... gosh... so prooud. abit though. o well.
gosh.. so nice to be home and sitting down. wow.
my colleague encourage me to take up jap classes... haiz.. i rrly duno ne.. =/ ... like. .wanna do so.. but yea.. soemthing is stopping me. its kinda nice to have the idea of knowing more ppl through the class, and perhaps interact with ppl using the language being taught... can pratice with the ppl in class... its rrly kinda nice ne.. .. hm.... but yea.. like duno ne......... need to find the website.. find the class.. payment.. blah3... very troublesome. yea. .im too lazy nowadays. just kinda u know. .when u lost sight of what you want, thigns just changed. nothing matters much. i duno
so yea.. ..i'll se eif i can have a think about htis ba =/ .. .haiz... just wanna make sure some stuffs before i move on.
mm.... .... sigsh........ so sianz..... o well..... =/ haiz.....
wow. my fren gib me this website. its like theres backpackers al laround the world.. if u're travelling alone or somethign, u can stay at their house.. or meet up with a group of ppl.. anyway, its soemthing scary. yet seems kidna .. hm. .a solution. imma check it out. pretty cool idea and website i have to say. but scary. hahah.
-Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over-

Pain goes on

sighs... o well... hm...

gd news.. getting letter to more pay.. bad news... feeling down as ever. .=/

,, i really hope sammy will feel better after his wonderful trip to melb...

my manager.. =( .. heading back in 3 months time.. =( sighs.. duno how work is gonna be like in future.. i hoep they'll send another sstaff form overseas to here. .but whever it is.. .well, gd luck to the stores in sg ba.

..haiz. ..  like.. wanna say something of how i feel. .but forgot liao. dots.. -_-

...sighs... u know how everyday feels like.. just trying to.. force urself.. .u know.. it just sucks.. totally. u do what u have to do.. then at the end of it all, its back to square one agian. i think it was ytd? i still clearly remembed how i lay on top of him.. and how i looked into his eyes straight and say those three words.. =/... but who knows things will end up this way after i came back eh.... ..ha. ... ...haiz.... its just so painful to talk about. perhaps better to say it here. just some.
..hm... yea....  o well....... ...its just really difficult sometimes u  know.. to talk to someone of the pains.. and all.. its just tough. =/
i duno.. ha. .o well

hey guess what. smiggles. is. in. SINGAPORE> OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. this is crazzzzy. like whoaaaaaaaaa... but im more of wishing for typo to arrive instead. nonetheless, im really glad smiggles finally gonna open up their very first store in sg. like wow. absolutely great.

...sammy talked a lil about during his days when he had a choice back then.. whether to sign on to scdf.. ..i saw the poster todya in the train. well, guess they are still needing ppl here. for polive.. scdf.. wahtever posts .. with the hats poser. i recognized the one he once wore.
well... u know how times whne u wished  you could turn it back.. and stay at those moments? best moments.. when we first met.. when we have just the 2 of us alone world.. carefree.. perfect. memoents that wish he could've changed his mind and made his decision to stay by my side.

the tears been running again. ha.. so irritating. 

i really hasnt been slping well at all for hte past week.. this wek.. i duno. duno sicne when i had a nice slp. like nvr. =/ ..haiz.. todya even had a dream of me n his family all together.. not a gd drema rrly.. but nice to see him loving me there. but.. yea.. its a dream.
then.. was so tired cos of the trainign early.. went out.. then got home.. gosh. rrly bodt is telling me to nap first. i hate to put the hours to waste liek that. but i must. so nap. .3 hours. i think. woke up. .thought overslpt and its middle of hte night. so glad it sitn so. then heart beating soooo super fast. i almost was like. .panting. gosh.. so fast its beating.. .duno why. again. i didnt slpt well. totally diaster =/

ytd? i almost slpiied. like a real huge slipped. thankk god im fine. just let out a huge scream. ha. after im out, mum say water too hot isit? ... ..=.= yea. .reson why no one come to ask , becos duno, and becos mum thought i screamed cos of the water too hot ....o well. i cant be bother to explain rrly. ..jsut.. some things are so menaingless now. it rrly. .makes no difference

trust me. when u lost whats precious to u in life the most, things changed. u changed. n.. suddenly u're kinda thrown back to the times when .. u're still in the dark.. again. but somehow u know he'll be around somewhere.. but its difficult sometimes.. u cant say thigns and tlak like.. u know.. im sad.. why? becos i still feel the pain u inflicted upon me.
 but.. to place that aside,.. its always know htat.. at least.. at the end of the day.. u'll know theres always a ray of light hanging around you.. and.. ..yea. .u'll glad to know. .someone still loves you..for now.  just one person in this world. you know thats something special.
the hearts are connected.

sorry.. im tlaking about all these again .. .=/ haiz... so yea. i hope tmr will be a better day. and fo rhim too. it should be a nice place to head there ba. eh?  shld be. .rrly cant wait to go there and visit my manager one day. but scary thogh.. after u watched unknown. ha. 

k.. thats all fo rnow. .tmr. .duno waht to do ne. .... just wanna destress

mata

Aint me

sorry. life just so boring and a pain in the neck to blog righ tnow. my life. ha. ..whatever. o well
hm.. .weird. .suprisingly.. im still not very slpy.. that tired feeling todfay .. when working mrg. ... duno.. .
anywy yea.. .
i cant wait to watch unknown. its calling me. ha. i can feel it. ... rrrly wanna watch soon.
..haiz..........
erm.. well. .nothig much. i mean hav. .but just don wanna talk abou tit. sorry
ytd served my regular customer. cheers. changed his mind, and made him spend 300. with voucher that is. but yea. woo hoo. ha... he alwasy gib pressies. gave me a peanut with dried fruits this time. yup. better than nothing eh. glad i did such good job. uh huh....
hiaz.. still not and wont happy =(
so.. tmr. .changi club. o yea... but heard thats quite a normal place.. nonetheless, well, kinda just look forward to it, adn get the f outta there. get through the day
on some occasions.. doesnt feel liek me anymore.
=( just tryign to get over life. .and yea.. just get over
no matter how hard i tried, the prick sems to remaing stucked. duno how to pluck it out ne. . so fking irritating.
o well. whatever. days to truly smile. .seems so long.. .such a journey.. .fml.
.. ha. yea. this is it. life.. human beings.. lives.. .all turnign upside down.
haiz.. whatever ba.
mata 

Regrets in your life

hmm...... wokey.. ot a cold start .. thanks to bro.. .. then took med and food. .then slp. .suddenly awoke by mums call.. ...decided should get outta house.. head out.. met iaun at atz. such a conincidedcnce. glad so. sad he aint in contact with jeff no more =/.. ...haiz... ..... anyway........
yea. .so long nvr mention his name eh.. ... he predicted aboutsams reactionns about me.. ..yea. freaky eh. ...o well.............
it came true.

.haiz.
thinking.. shoudl time for a change. 

duno where to begine with.. or how. .
but somehow i will eh.. ...

i posted some songs on my fb. its sooo good. ellliot yamin. half deaf. so talented. songs. .almost tlking about me.. ..o well

hm..

oh.. i had a custome the other day.. i approached the old lady.. so old. yet travels alone. aw..... =)
found out that she's from london. she ask me to go london during months of may till july. lol. very swt and nice of her. ha.. .she wants me to tell her 3 things to go in sg. (she's been here for her fifth time) i was kinda in a frantic. .was like. .omg. where3? lol.  like that time at the airport. .anwaywya, then wrote her a note down.. she say she;s gonna pass it to her son.. yea. they'll know where to go next time. 

so nice eh.. to travel even at such an old age. i wanna do that too. .while im still young. alone of money neede.. but yea.. u have to give something in return for something.
thast a must. always

hm.. yea... i thnk.. somehow i'll have to get used to sg first.. so if im ever alone at some other country without him by my side no more, i'll be able to  handle it still. yea. do hope so.

omg. .didnt know sg have sooo many beaches. .omg. .. =.= dots... i;ve been to only one T_Tn waiting for somebody to take me there ne.. ...ahyway, yea... i cant wait to se.e .espexially when sentosa is such a changed place now. every in sg is. =) cheers. hee

wow.. indeed.. grand. .ha. gonna have my training done at changi club,  cool or what. ;) haha.
....hm,.........

slpy dya today........... ...

sighs...............

im still not happy. .. when was hte last itme i was happy. .oh i rememberered.. the day monday.. befor ehe broke up with me... 

after that.. agonies. .happiness seems so far fetched. everyday seems to be a struggles.. just to survive.. ..sounds liek those blogs back to the dasy wheere i nvr met him yet eh... ..
thats how dark it was........ i almost die.

o well...............

sighs...

to be able to live right now is such a pain. really tired .. .. =/ carry on for now.  just so tired and boring sometimes. 

human llifes.. . .. ha. .. so.. i duno.. o well

...... slpy. .so slpy..............
...  ..

go against the odds. be who i am not.

k.. gonna rest abit.. watch tv.. tired. ....kinda lonely.. ..need to go.. ...

-once u've made the decision for your life, it it will be big. and its real. it is your life. you own it. you decide upon it.  -

Torns

hm.. the other day.. ytd or what?,. yea. .wokey sooo tired. body totally.. arhg.. then by the end of night, glad im ok liao. gosh. was soooo tired. boy couldnt get up at all =/

.. ..haiz....... i gues.. certain things.. i really need to dig it up.. and take this prick outta me..

todya, surprisingly, i cna get up. i didnt relaly feel that slpy.
hm... ... yea.. but at the end of work, of course slpy.. then walk aard with my fren.. went to this store .. like aussie store.. stationary store..  very intersting. 

o well. 

was preparing to meet my manger. .but . .=.= o well. don talk abou tit. she just touched down now i guess.
... haiz.. ...

i duno... .... still pullingmyself together. ... ... doing my best.. ..
trying hard not to think. .i really duno..
=/ very confuse.. ..

oh. my skin.. soo osuper smooth... ha. i think cos of lotion or what ba. omg. so smooth. .i keep touching and rubbing it up and down.. i couldnt stop touching my arm! ha.. ...

i really wanna go suntan soon.. in sg, even if u wanna bask in the sun, its impossible =/. huu... theres no sun!! everywhere u go, theres aircon. AIRCON!! covers and shields... huu... no sun. T_T. omg.
its nice .but.. well.. i wanna go suntanning ar.. .ha
hope soon ba.. ...

hm..... forgot what to say.. ... ...haiz.
just glad to see he's in good shape. .
once school starts, should be fine liao.
im still struggling to get everything settle. slow.. perhaps becos ive been suppressing. not gd. ar ar. not gd.

hm.. rrly feel like going out.. .... ever since im back from sydney, im only out for liek one day. thats it. cos fren accompany me get over sadness.. then after htta.. no more liao.. i've been resting at home.. hopefully tmr ill have energy. 

haiz. very sianz.. ... nose abit not gd.. .maybe cos of bro sick.. then me kena =/

haiz. .kk. .pauline. .u gotta get over this.
tore it up. and dig it in. then get over it.blood be splash.. heart be torn.. dig it... ...

haiz. .duno what to say.. forgot ne.. ...
... mayeb cos tired and nose not feelign well.. .

oh my fren has a tip for me.. if wanan go overseas trip alone., but scared get lost, first go to sg ulu ulu stange plac efirst.. then try to get used. .like. .to find my way back.. .hm.. not a bad suggestionl.. i should oberseve more.. and learn to get back the way i come from

mata

scars.. will always be there..- 

Freedom

hm.. wonder hows sammy day is today huh.. i am sooo tired today. very3 tired boody. i cant go anywhere. really tired. i napped.. then almost couldnt get up. rrly .seriously. i forced myself to. then head for a bath. =/
very very tiring.. .omg. i really .. sighs.. just not enough rest. and i don understand... =/
sigsh. .o well... hang on ba...
hm... i can totally feel it. of how tired he is today. tbut then.. coming home.. to find no peace.. ..=/ sighs.. that feeling really sux.. ..  i wish i could make it better for him somehow.. ..
o well....
hm.... yea... i hope his wishes of whatever he wants will come true in no time... there's nothing more important than pursuing ur own happiness.. because after all, u'll be living for ur entire life...with urself. or ur spouse.
well. .he's a great man. .i hope he wont get covered' by his family under their controls or whatsoever.. ..=/ sighs. .wish i could make him feel better.. ..
but i cant do much for him anymore... ..
just.. pray for him ba.... ..
very very very tired. alrite. im hitting hte sack. so tired. =/
haiz.. gotta hang on for the next couple of days.... .sianz.
mata.. .. 

Sleepy morning~

omg. slpt for 4hours only. such a terrible morning to begin with =/ sooo slpy. sighs.
then soemrmoe during htta hours, i didnt realy have any gd slp. was thnking of him.. and while slping hte whole mind just keeps on running and running. like no rest. omg. terrible. thats why so slpy today. slpt in bus as usual. omg..
i duno hwats wrong with msn.. like suddenly after a whole day, then i received msn msg from sammy. O.o so weird. i on a couple of times.. but didnt get msg at all. then suddenly yea.. .o wel. msn stil lweird as usual..
anyway, if i'd received it earlier, im sure it'll boost my morning like so much better. and give  me more energy. ow ell.
tmr.. long day ne. very sianz. .have to slp early liao. huu..
 
oh keep forgetting to ask him about some phe stuff.
i met htis wonderufl nice lady at bondi junction kikki-K. and omg. i cant believe this. i think its the same person. today read on our interent.. she posted(think its on 2008) it was 10 mins before closing. then she was eager to find someone to chat with. suddenluy this man came into the store cos he saw we have lamy brand. his lamy pen spoiled. then he ended up as a kikki k fan. and they scored a date within that same week! guess what. that didnt end. after 10months, she's engaged to him!!! she described as.. match made in heaven by kikki k or something. awwww.. .how swt. =)
my collegaue was like telling me that could happen to us too. =.='' i was like.. erm.. nah.. no way. but i am so happy for her. =) i still remmeber her name. caroline. she's really such a nice down to earth lady from the way we chatted that time =) wow. .would've been so nice if i ever iget to go there and see her again. not sure if she remembers me though. lol. but yea..... wow. would be so nice if i could go there again next year. i cant wait. just gotta save up! maybe hwo knows.. in future i might venture into canada and visit my homie eh. very far great advcantage that'll be. but not now. ha
...life still going on... u know.. the heart never change.. the scars will forever be there.. and there are thigns u wish u could understand.. or why the way thigns happned whne it shouldnt... ..
o well.... for now, im just glad we're stil lable to be there for each other supporting each other still.. .
though.. how i wish i could be the one who gives him happiness till the end..
o well. memories will always be with me. no mater how time flies.. memories.. heartache and scars.. u dont think abou thtem. but u cant hide the fact that they'll always remain there... forever. i wish. .thigns doesnt have to end this way... wishing they could be like his godparents kind of family...
speaking of tehm.. ha.. they should be still doing well eh. for some reason i duno why. .i could stil lremember their faces. always so kind and smiley. blissfuly in love. aww.,. hey are the sweeetest couple.
hm.. k ba.. gotta slp. gosh.. more busy and things to do tmr morning. haiyo...
k. .mata ppl....
may you guys cherish and fight for the one you love in this lifetime....... 

Happy or sad valentines day

today.. dreaming of work as ever.. didnt go anywhere.. watching sad tatannic now.. gonna be surely so tierd and slpy tmr. .o well.

wokey.. tohguht i was working. .but too tired. .then relieved i was off ne. so glad. then.. whole day online vcalentines day.. nothing to do..
but. .somehow i stil lspend it wiht sammy. .
yea.. lit up even for abit.. because he 's there for me. alwyas make smlife easier fo rme. .
u know.. watching that movie. .'jack' reminded me of him.. always so thoguhtful, smart and so caring of his girl.. loving her..
ha.. .too bad i have to lose him like this..
sighs.. sad now.. shouldnt watch. ..but stil ldid..
i'l lalways be watching him like an lil angel from afar in the dark.. till he's on his track back again..it wont be long now..
after that what would i do.. ha. i wonder..
anywya.. ..yea.. hours with him together.. makes me complete again. that feeling. .of not being alone..
im glad.. after all,.. my valentine day..  turn out not to be spending with someone else.. its still gd.. ..
oh no.. 4hours of slp im getting now =( gonna be tough tmr. slpyyyyy o well.
hang on ba..
haiz.. so yea.. .. tmr my mum's big day eh. .
..
i forgot what to sya now. .cos accidentally deleted my blo gin a way. haiz.
k.. cnat htink now. need to slp..
-receiving that msg from him is the best thign that ever happened to me...
it brought me to him..
He saved me. in any way a man can be saved. -

Tear it up forcefully

.. my ring.. the ring i bought in sydney.. it slips through outta my finger so easily.. after one week of tortures.. , my finger has gotten skinny yet soemmore eh. ...
sighs..
today.. mrning. ...i duno if i should be saying this. .becos i try to forget.. and its hurtful.. .. colleague of mine is angry . long stry k )
and ppl been saying htings. .. sighs. .u knwo what. forget it. .. =( im upset enough. .i rather not talk about htis now. ..sighs
so yea.. it was a shitty morning.. this fellow saw me crying. .knew that i was upset about something. my new collegaue. he;'s such a blur make us laugh guy. very weird. .blur and funny in a idotic way. no offense k.
i went into back room. .had a tlak with my colleguae who was pissed off at em. .blah3.. then when i came out , omg. songs are playing in the air =.= omg.... sad lvoe song. i was like.. ...wthhhhh................... ... dotsssssss...... this shows how guys can be soooo insensitive sometimes!! omg.
but at least at the end of his blur actions, my tears stopped flowing. thx to him. appreciated. my mrg.. saved unepectedly. ..
he stil lcan ask what songs i wanna hear. .ipck myself. .i was like. .dots.. im so not updated with it. .wher efot tiem. lazy ar. .to dl songs and stufs.. .
but yea. .he was like palying.. chinese songs like. .a throusand years later by jj lin.
and forever love by lee hom. OMG. can u imagine how upset i was alreyad? i don see the need to let hi knw that i've just broken up.. so i din stop him from playing those songs.  omg. got all the sad sad songs come out.. play loud2 through out the morning opening withhim.. omg. =.=''''''
but luckily.. a the end of it all, i didnt get so upset liao. ...haiz.
was worried whole day.. waiting for his reply.. he didnt online till late night. then . ...well.. bad news still. but. at least.. i get to know that we stil lget to remain as frens.
.... though we cant be lvoers at all anymore. .. sighs.. ..   today.. as though marks the day of having a 2nd official break up. wounds tear up so fast and it hurts like mad. ...
... valentiens day eh. .supposed to have a movie date iwth him. .adn play love conversation starter.. to finsih it u.. .. sighs........ .... waht to do.
..the darkness i had befor ei met hiim. i thought i was ognna die.. .then he changed everythign fo rme.
.. he'll forever be my miracle and light.. ..while me. .i will do my best. .tp stay by him.. if im needed in any other way that is. .) .. when he finds his true happines.s. only then will me as hte star be gone.. .
yea.. ...
someitmes i wish. if it wasnt htat 3 weeks. .i wish.. i have more expereinice to handle parents.. i wish. .i cna be pretencious and force myself to do everything.. ..........but all these.. ..can only be turned to dusts and regrets now. ... if only i knew. ... ..
ha. .heart. .tears oopen wide as ever before.. .. blood.. bleeding profusely... so as my tears..
so. .this is the kind of pain u get. .when u lost something dear to u.. ... its even worse htan death somehow. ..im worried for him... so yea.. we couldnt have a future happy life together.. no lil sammy nor shiling running around.. no cooking life.. ..blah3.. ... i miss his touch so muc h right now.
... i almost believeed i am the luckiest girl in this world to own him.. .... guess i was wrong.. .my luck isnt so gd after all.....
wah tshoul d i do now.. ..he'll be studying hard at school. .polo.. pool.. etc.. me?... .
i duno just yet.. ..ah.. his melb trip should help lifting his spirits up.. as for me. .i duno. i dom think naything could lift me up right now... ..
u know. i rally liek the pics where we hold each others hands.. ..
i miss hte sweetness... i miss everythign abou thim...
i guess.. it aitn him who caused me so much heart pain. .it was his parents..  who did this to us... ..but well.. .cant blame anyone. wont do so. i iwsh i could b perfect enough for htem.. yea.. not sammy. but his parents.. i duno. ... sighs. .if only his parents are as nice as his god parents.. ... .
o well... like this ba.. ... im very slpy now. .should be slping soon eh.. .. i need stitches again.. the flesh been torned open.. need to stitch them up..  uh huhh... .......
haiz.......... romeo and juliet.. salim and pauline. ...
im glad. .i make his life ever so bright... ...  adn im so happy he's proud of me. ... likewise2... i will still be cheering him on. no matter what..
no one can ever replace him in my life...
was talking to my fren about htis aussi etrip nest year.. apprantly she encourages me to go gold coast if ever.. then look up her aunt.. as they are very frenly. i can stay there for all i want. and her cousins there are frenly too. ..geez.. i duno. it seesm suhc a great offer and deal man.. but .. ..i duno... im a stranger. .can they accept me / ? but she insists that they are tht sort of ppl whos ok with it.  o well. a tleast thats another options there. i have now till next year to savce up eh. hoep i wont go shoppign to destress ba. anyway, no mood for anythign no more.
so yea.. his parents didn call me up. .and we stil lremain as frens. . not jus tfrens.. hie's a special one to me. closest ever to me. the most. ...... sighs.. ...
to lose the part of ur most important par tof life.. that is worse than dying... it realls is.. .... ..bah...... ....
so yea.. ... i duno wh to do now.. ..
sighs... . flesh   being cut away from me .tearnig me apart.. ... its worse than death.. its living tortures.. .sigsh. .k ba. .need to slp now.. very slpy. =/
i hope.. somehow.. i can smile truthfully again. .when would htat be.. u guys. .stil lwaiting for my answer about this huh. .
i shal be a secret angel to him... lovey sammy....
mata.. ... 

Open wounds

wow.. very hungry now. but  i need to slp soon. .so yea.. haiz. .forget it ba.. 

=/ o well

sometimes i don get what my frens are saying. soem ssay my eyes very big. i was like.. huh>? wth. no..... btu they say yea.. most of their chinese frens eyes al lvery small. .. i thin maybe mi e is medium? i duno. so funny. then my new staff. .say my eng very funny. like i ta;l very fast, and sounds an an indian. he say thats a compliment. i was like. .dotsssssssssssssssss.... wanna kick him liao.

thsi angmoh ..came in with his 2 female chinese gal frens. the memont he steps in, he say.. hwo are u ladies? .... dotssssssssss..... he so such an attenton seeker!! omg. i cant stand him sia. he is so flirty. when he try talking to me, i gave onlly one or 2 words or reply. sorry. i dont entertained such ppl. then he talked to a angmoh girl. she's lookijg for valentines day card. tehy ended up chatting for quite long. i duno whats she's thinking. omg. got bf still can chat till erm yea.. ow ell. very weird that guy. omg.  irritating. 

one of my favourite memory in sydney.. ha.. we were walking and joking.. i was being sacarstic.. joking way.. he then show his palm. .saying he could just add a touch of blush' onto my face. meaning slap me la. lol. taht was so fun and playful. really love doing that with him.. a;ll precious moments.. i will keep them close to my heart.. i dont want to forget every or anything that happneed between us.

hm.. me... ... still up and down.. ... .... it will never be easy. 

everyday .. so unexpected.... fresh wounds.. when its getting numb for evern abit, then soon it tears open up again... fresh wounds every other day... it takes time. .to get used to this u know... it slike.. i relaly died such a wrongful death..... .... ha. ..to die this way... ... sighs..........

he spoke of new target.. i don know. .its still about the same for me.. i'l l still request going there to work.. its for myself now. but.. somehow.. u don know who to work extra hard for now.. yea i know. answer should be myslelf. but.. ..i duno. o well. abit unsure.. but well. .just u know, .see how ba..
as for other matters.. dun really care no mor... nothing to care for alreayd... ..

somehow.. i have this feeling. .the worse isnt over yet. ...

.. o well. i wonde rif they are gonna be calling me tmr eh.. his parents. ..
if they do, what wuold they ask? ..i wonde.r .k girl, u really break up doen eh? so dont ever look him up. bye. maybe they'll make it mean and simple huh? i should just stay simple..  anyway. .thats the only way i am..

...his words always describe the best of how i truly feel..
sam ehere.. smiles and laughter.s.. everythign is fake. or at least i try to force them out.. i cant cry and work with a sad face towards my customers.. ..
 brok and shattered of the true pauline. how would u ever be heal? if the answer lies with him..
we;ll see how ba... like i said. .when finally one day i smiled without a hint of sadness, ill let u guys know k...
...hiaz. so hard to put up a tough front. at work, also at home.  not a moment is peaceful. even with frens..  ha.. if strangers have eyes, they can see why i look so down and sad and pain and u name it, i got it. 

hope they wont say any mena things ba.. skali they think htat im a shameless bitch who ask their son go stay at hotel.. ..haiz. o well. .who knows.. .never encounter such 'strict' parents before.. who would go to the extremes of.. ..
hiaiz.. nvm ba.. im jus tin love with the greatest man.. and to love a greastest man, there will stand forth a great barrier. .this barrier.. turns out to be his.....yea. u know them. parents. deng3... ...
..haiz. so yea.i'll just listen to waht they say ba. but i think definnitley will have to reply to yes. its true. we broke up. mayeb then tey'll say ok bye. then hang up? ..at least hope its that simple.. o well. 

i wonder if they thoght. .that i was hte one who ask sammy to lie to them... but i didnt... =(
cos of his situations.. he no choice but to tell them he's not wiht me .. how i wish they understand.. i spend so much money.. its all in order to see sammy again.. why would i do that... if i dont love him at all?..  sighs. .nvm ba.. mayeb they wont call after all.. see how. .all the best to me ba..

broken pieces of me.. when will i be back into one again... ..
sighs...........

mata 

Future holds?

.... they went to such extremes... but good thing.. he's stil lable to think... and we still remain as frens... sighs....... why must parent control such thing ne.. ... am i such a bitch? ..sighs...... but im not a bad person ne... ...
..o well..
sighs.. just when i told myself to make a better yearbetween us.. every couples had their ups and down... i knew i cna do better this time.. but.. i didnt get no chance now... .=/
finally.. i send sammy an email. .of words i couldnt said on monday night... i don wanna say gdbye with any regrets.. well.. he replieed me actually.. .along with some pics.... i know.. i always look better when im with him.. he makes me so beautiful... .. o well... lov ehis smile.. special one..

u know. i'll still be targeting to work overseas. i duno where. but why not. course i really love to work at the current place im at right now.. but... if i have such a chance(like my manager) .., why not? at least ive been to australia twice alreayd.... though not say its the best palce. but.. yea. .why not make this my target still? at least thats the country i've beeen to after all.
oh.. now im thinking... if im ever going to melb see my manager alone. , i swear i should never ever head out at 8pm. remember that place my sg manager went to? and got robbed by that scary place? brrr... this is frighttening. well, its really more of liek early next year thingy.. ...so yea...
i shouldnt   fret too much on this yet... somemore duno when my manager returning to melb.. haiz.. .hope not.. but i know one dya .. o well
haiz........... ok. now better than ytd. gosh. .that dream could kill me. nice dream. but it hurts badly man.. =/ felt so real huggine him.. argh.............

hm.. me slpy now...
emails.. he said.. .final email. .he said hings excatly of what i wouldve tol dhim.. ... i was surprised.. but yea... htats my words.. he just made it easier fo rme to realised by typing htem out.. ...
and i didnt expected it htat way.. ..
i am very very glad he did not throw my itemsx away......
cos yea.. i relaly put in so much sincereity and effort into them... ..haiz.
i hope in futurte.. whichever girl he like.. his parents would like first. .then hopefully... she's not one of those playing around typical type of girl.. and hopefully.. she doesnt mind becomign a muslim and htat, she can avoid eating pork too. he is a luicky man,. im sur ehe cna find such a girl... i'll be praying for his well being...
ha.. having a part of my life being cut..yet.. .. he remains as part of my life still...
omg.. i am sooo slpy now... hair not dry yet. .T_T huu...
slpy... ...
wow. .just striked me.. valentines day coming.... my pan busted. ... =/ aont gona work no more.. .. sighs...
future eh.  i can tsee anything. one can work hard towards it.. o reven aim fo rit.. but one could never really prevent the changes in future...
will i rellay ge tto go overseas one day>? or become a manager here in sg? ..well. .alot of unknowns... but.. nothing seems much.. wow.. becos .. he;s not with me..
nowadays when bad thngs bhappen, it slke.. ok.. alone now.. no longer to have u know who... by my side even if i wann picture himn to..
... ok. im sorry. my eyes are closing. i am sooo slpy. omg. today auto wakey early ba thats why..
mata


-cares no nothing about ppl giving me compliments of what a charming person i am.. thats doesnt work on me. please know that. -

love u

..since nowehere to say it.. i shall say it here then..

i love u salim..
i really do love u swty...
hope u wont ever ever forget me..
i will rememebr forever deep in my hear tof ur love for me and warmth everything!
wo ai ni swty....
forever i will
i wish.. fate will let us be together again. even if its gonna take 5 year time.. ... =/

open wounds

..everything just sux again... ... i dreamt that i was holding sammy from behind his back.. i always love to do that.. =( ... it felt sooooo real... =(((... huuu T_T....... .... =/ so clear too. .he was playing game. .looking at the tv screen.. i held him behind him.. he was wearing a long black shirt... then... he turned.. we were about to kiss when parents woke me up... so yea.. ...
it felt so real.. =( .. .then it slike how wounds open deeper again.. and im so hurt.. =( .... the hug felt so real.. ...ha.. baka ne.. ...
mum said.. nvm.. since alreayd like this. .next time find a bf carefully... choose carefully... then get married soon and let her see... ...
but i don think htat way.. i don see any point of marriage if im not totall yin lvoe with someone. in lvoe meaning.. i can die fo rhtat person. if not.. whats the marriage for anyway..
its such... yea..  i guess i have to u know... get used to everything again.. sine the wound's been open up again... ...
he's an angel to me. and everything else. if without him.. what would my life be....
im sure his life will be better now. weeks later, yea.. happier him ne.
i think.. i need to yea.. thank him now..
anyway... hopefully i'll get well before my bro is gone.. if he lleft for japan,.. hten i.. will be alone more than ever..
i.. just sent him an emaill... words of gratitude.. and all. i don want him to let me go with regrets.. as in,.. regret that i didnt tell him how much i appreacite him for all of him being a part of my life.. ...
i hope he wont delete my email.. its realy a token of how i felt.. and.. u know.. i still cries. .but yea.. ...still learning to stay strong.. .
..ow ell.  thansk to him.. i am happy. for 3 years of my life. happiest 3 years of m,y life...
he's such a special person to me...
..yea.. ....
mata 

Not ok in truth

.so.. found out that he did lied and hide some stuffs. o well……….. nvm…  already have the feeling it was true..

hm… i guess im getting really good at lying to myself. ytd i done a pretty gd job in front of family. yea. .thats gd. just don wan them to worry u know… rather bottle it up. not gd.. but .. yea.. i do not wish for mum to nag and u know.. worry or sad for me and stuff..

yanika gave me a hug todya.. same years together.. off contact for months.. then to sg she go.. first month is relaly difficult. .nights especially.. then about a year before contact together again. he was here to visit her she said. she said i met him. but i dont remember anything about her ex coming to see her. but anyway, met a couple of her guy frens. duno whichs which.
i thought i would be fine.. i thought.. but it didnt work out that way.. i guess thats the reult of bottling it up.. so yea..

…one year?… =( i cant imagine .i duno.. i hold him so dearly in my life and to my heart. such a dearest person to me.. …sighs. .o well… one year.. thats like.. not even being frens anymore.. having said that.. i do not know of her situation.. maybe he initiates it? thats why she’s hurt? i duno. .but whatever it is…o well.. cant imagine..

ytd. .sad.. workplace.. cant imagine he;s with me no more.. i have to be lone. then get the stupid cold shoulder form manager still .i don give a man of her i guess. i duno. i just wanna do m job. … but still cna feel really down.. then cried in backroom.. cos couldnt u know.. i always msn him about everything. sad or happy or break. .and stuff.. ..even omw to work. im stil ltyring to get pass that. .but yea..
o well.. .just.. u know. ….being alone now.

sighs.. yea .. u know. im serioulsy htinking. i should really go to melb next jan. or perhaps melb then to syd. that would be quite of an advantage eh. travelling ard… perhaps i wil lget ot meet up my fren there for the first time too. but i duno. we shall see yea…. that sounds scary.. but o well… i have to look forward to something .. so yea.. … i wonder hows he holding it up.. all my memory books and stuffs.. should be in the bin or out in the street now. ha. …. o well. .i still have the items. .stickers cards and stuffs.. i never get to mail; to him.. … i duno what to do with those now…. ..=/…
so yea.. …so wasted eh.. … ..his photos still in my phone.. i still look at it every now and then… u know.. cos i was so happy that time.. hmm… well its a total diffferent situation now.. but yea.. o well…

u know.. i guess i was wrong. no matter how busy life is, or how much im concentratingon sumtin,. there’ll always be him here and there.. and.. i can never be really ok’. i cna bottle it up, hide it away.. but it’s gonna always be there .. those scars.. yea… it’ll be there…. and.. ..yea.. i’ll never be ok.. future who knows.. but for now… i can choose to pretend and ignore.. but deep inside, there’ll never be a ok…yet. now i know..

o well……….. ….. let it be bah.. i .. haven thank him properly.. i should sdo so ba?.. cos at least he ask me to tc of my mum and stuff.. but i could only cry at that time. .i couldnt think of waht to say to him.. so yea.. ..haiz..

k ba.. hungry…

oh.. theres this colleague.. today meeting mah.. last time i met her  was at the xmas party..
she saw me.. today. she said she couldnt recognized me. .i am so skinny she said. i duno. am i? .. whne i look through pics with sammy in sydney, .. i think.. my face.. i duno.. like. .boney abit.. liek ,. just abit skinny ba. .face .i duno. … or maybe its after i came back. .then i lost weight ? i duno… well.. broken hearted person..

….so near yet so far.. sighs…….

mata

sad story of a friend's friend..

I know.. i just posted a blog like mins ago... but just wanna share this.. this girl is so much worse than me i think.. =/ its from a fren of mine who told me of this fren of his...
he said... : ''What im abt to share with u might sound like taken from some drama but is true.. I got a friend named peipei.. A nick i got for her. her bf is a malay guy who is also my friend named Sharul..

Now a bit abt peipei.. His dad got cancer.. Sharul was forced to marry his childhood friend as it was arranged by their parent since young.. So well.. . He was forced to break up with peipei n forced to get married to this malay gal

Ok their marriage lasted less than a year.. Cannot wrk out.. Seperated.. Sharul n peipei got bk together secretly..

Things got worse.. Sharul got stomach cancer.. His dad also found out abt the seperation n peipei.. Got a stroke.. Lucky he ok.. But then his dad cannot force sharul to break up with peipei to salvage the fail marriage coz he got cancer..

Somehow dunno why peipei n sharul broke up again.. Their fate got any twist.. Sharul met an accident n lost his memory

Now peipei no choice hv to go bk to him coz to hlp him gain bk his memory.. 

Peipei also poor thing.. 2 of her closest man both got cancer.. Cannot be together with sharul.. The man she love.. But now fate somehow brought them together yet sharul cant love her bk coz he lost his memory''
so there u have it.. thats what he said..
..thats really sad.. sometimes like is so dramatic.. i think mine's so. yea.. very dramatic when it comes to my love life... ... o well..
anyway... i wish her all the best... hopefully he wont die.. wasted so much time being separated... how many years do u get to live with each other only in this lifetime?
some parents. .care of how they feel the most.. rather than what their children need or want.. why dont they ever stop and ask and think for them,?... i duno.. but yea.. o well....
poor pei pei. ...poor me.. poor him.. ..
sighs.. o well.
mata ne

parents who cares n dont

so.. .after going without food for 27 hours plus, yea.. my stomach is half full finally. just.. well.. no appetite to eat anythign u know.. ..o well.
suffer the consequences in the morning though. .wakey to toilet. .stomahc hurts ike what. .argh..
...u know.. well. i guess for some ppl, parents love this girl.. ok. u've gotta do ur best to be with her no matter what.
then.. another case... you love her? sorry we dont. if we dont, you dont. you shouldnt either. who cares the hell of what you think. just give her up already.  becasue they don like her. so their children couldnt be allow to either. its all of what they think.
they thought.. well.. just let him be.. cry, angry, ignored us.. soon it will be over. the most just gonna last for months. he'll be fine. he'll thank us one day. yea its ok. he wont be able to hold on for long anyway. with time passed, he'll be back to normal again real soon. its like that one.. just leave him be for now.. dont bother him first.  he'll be fine after a while. well, if such parents are thinknig this way, .. well.. waht craps.
yes. i'll fake my smile and laughter everyday. keep telling myself that i am fine. its alrite.. they;re all lies. but well. .i gotta do it. i'll fake smiles till the day when finally im truly happy for the first time again. i wonde rwhen eh.... it'll take months perhaps? or even a year or so? yea. .if i dont show that im crying , he nor my parents will worry.. well. not that it matters to him anymore
..u know. just in case.. i thought this day might come.. i told myself.. no matter what we have to off it face to face. even meaning im flying off to sydney for 2 days. but this is too sudden.. so .. yea. i swear i do not wanna do it over the phone or by msg.. but no choice. .its too sudden and fast.. .he cant wait for me to go there and u know... we do it together. so.. well.. it sjust ove rhte phoen .i don wanna do this cos it'll cause me regrets.. over a phone?>.... sighs.......... ...=(
before he left sg.. he drop by my place for hte very last tiem... after he hop onto bus, he msg me.. '....be strong.. our love will carry us through' that line, makes me believe. and a hope for a better future for us. but... a greater force came unforeseen... and they have the call.. to cut it all off....
i knew from last night when he chatted with me non stop... usually he wont. so when we are having a smooth chat freely,.. i knew somethings must be weird going on.. and i was right.... ...yea. .i didnt get to chat with him liek that much.. cos usually he'll be quiet.. not much of a talker.. i duno. bored with me or what i guess.
anyway..... well....... .... .yea. i wonder if thats what they said...
one never truly learn how to appreciate a thing only when they finally lost it.
my heart is still crying.. i held back my tears badly today.. i tried my best... with all my might... pretending to talk as though everything is normal... fake smile is all about me right now...
it'll be good.. i would rather not let anyone worry fo rme... held it all down into the ddeepest part of heart...
u know. i seriously.. seriously.. didnt know that parents have the right or power to take the source of happiness away from their children.. they snatched it. they forced it. they dont listen. they just force u up to the wall... and make u lose a part of u..
i.. .really didnt know parents are allow to do that... ....wow.. ....  they would rather... hurt u?... i duno.. i duno anymore.. i thought.. i was grateful to them.. becos of them theres sammy. becos of sammy, i have me. and i have him . and.. his my pillar of everything. now my pillar broke.. my family gone.. heart torned..  part of my life gone.. part of me lost... my heart is no more...
they.. caused all these to me?... i duno.. theres no one to blame.. they have their reasons.. perhaps im jjst a bitch in someone elses eyes.. becos of htem.. he lost me. i lost him. world and heart both shattered in one night...
 i dont hate them. but. i just wish if only htey could try to understand... but given a death penalty..., well...  i cant say anymore...
so yea... tmr to work. i think i'll cry on the shop floor. i hate being unprofessional. but i knwo i am but a mere human being. my heart's been ripped apart. there is no way when quiet moment set in, would i not shed down a single tear?

my name is pauline. and i have lost someone i love very very dearly. he'll be in my heart. if theres ever fate with us, maybe who knows.. years later, we'll be together. but well.. all these.. i do not dare to harbour any hopes for..
mum understadns too... he cant do anything as he has to depend on his family... she said. ... nvm. wait till he have a job and all, when he can be independant, he can do whatever he want with full freedom. no need to care what his parents is saying.. ..that could be a way i thoguht.. but.... yea... well..  hold back my tears for now ba..
future is unknown. i'll look forward to 2012 dec 12. once that is over, i'll start to think of something else then. ...
so yea..... ...there u go. mum said ..she also cant bear to see me go sydney.. now its liek that. .could be a gd hting. .a tleast i'll stay n get married in sg... but she wouldnt force me. i know. as long as what i want, she will be ok. she wont forc eme and say no cannot this and that... even if i were to say im gonna try to head to sydney to work, im sure she'll be fine with it. just  worried for me only thats all.
i didnt say anythign to her. but yea.. when the time comes ba....
somemroe.. when she mentioon of getting married in sg, i felt sooooo weird . i really don wanna think abou that right now. like seriously. its weird.
mata 

meant to be

so yea... ...ha.. u know how ppl around u would tell u how this is gonna end one day and blah3..?
well...  i guess.... none of them expected this.. .to be ... broken by parents of ur other half.
o well... waht to do... been so dramatic... my fren once said.. its special.. cos. .who would find someoen through a msg form the phone? there is somethhing to it..
i duno. anwyay.. well.. im trying to get used to life without a partner now..
actually.. i duno what he means when he said he's gonna stud relaly hard.. and i'll be his motivation...
i duno.. meaning motivate to be with me again? weird right. but anyway.. at least thats a gd hting. and anyway, we're not enemies. so yea. .gd enough..  in that case he shall be my motivation too... so.. yea.. uh huh i don get the meaning.. but.. yea. i was like. .but im not with u now. .so how(as in why he would say that).. i duno .. what he meant.. but yea... i.. haiz. .i really wish we could work hard together. .and be with each other in future.. but.. yea. .as much as i wish for a better year this year for both of us, .. well.. .guess it ended too soon...
i really wish that we could work hard together, and likewise. .he be my motivation.. then we can be together in future one day...
but he have no choice too i guess...
he have to cut me off form his life.
so yea.. .there u go.. yea.. back to my lonely life again.. really. .trying my bes tto stay well and stuff...
u know.. i was having quite a gd day.. with him supporting me.. encouraging me. .
steamboat at honme.. alreyad have a bad feeling. .soemmeore he was chatting wiht me alot.. soemthings weird.. so yea. .indeed... then never eat anything.. i just cried al lthe way.. and his crying.. i wish i could forget but yea.. .... ..sighs =(
o well... ....
he asked for a break up. and yea..hurtful.. but.. its u know. .what he;s got to do..
and yea.. i seek solance (knida abit) in the fact that after he push me away, another better girl will coem his way.. she'll be smart, cool, rich and most of all, please his parents till they are so in love with her too. there'll be such person. and he relaly deserves the best... so yea.. .apparently im not. so yea.. i hope she'll treat him right... yea. finally huh.. he can fnid someone so much better than me. he'll be well taken care of. no doubt. one big happy family. yea.. gd for him...
anyway before he told me i'll be his motivation, i couldnt really make out what he's saying. its soft. .and abit unclear.. but i do heard he say have to end it with me. htats all i remember. o well...
so 3years.. gone down the drain... im glad tmr i off. becos if not i wont be able to work .
it will affect my work for sure. i duno how. but all i cna do is try my best  dont think about it and then shed tears...
im so scared to off lights and slp now... cos will be reminded of slping with himn.. in my arms.. and all.. .im so scared.
hungry. but i cant force myself to eat just yet. .thirsty.. drank alil... slpy and tired.. well.. just sit and online.. blog it all out first..
so yea... o well...
hm.. forgot what i wanna say.. ....
............. o well.. so there u go. the most important thing in my life is gone . becos of other outside sources. they prevails. so yea. just like that. .i lost. so yea.. .... im sure he'll be fine soon.. fo rem.. its very difficult and hard.. i'l ltry my best. .duno how.. but really need to try...
now.. kidna. .lost. .like. .worknig so hard for?
fo rwhat now... where am i heading to now...
? still australia?>.. could be. i could always still strive to head for a position there. just that. .theres no meaning to it now. but i still wan to try. head there. for my own espereince. so yea.
mayeb i should se eit as this way eh.. i duno.
thoguht of having a holdiay next year. either back to familiar sydney, or head down to melbourne se emy manager .anyway there;s a long time no contacted fren there too. but.. i duno. either have him company me, or i have to find my way out. ah.. canada too. my homie is there. he have a guestroom.
i could save alot of money on that. but its expensive. o well.. if i head to familiar place like sydney.. i'l lmost probably have to find him send to hotel on 1st day, and to airport ton finaly day. thats all. otehrwise wont bother le ba. he should be fine right? just send me only.. well... otherwise. .always could head down to melb... see my mannager. .cos al lthe higher standard with 100 points ki kki k loacted at melb. would be interesting to see them all.
sydney. abit disappointing. .so eya. melb huh.. well.. never know. but i don think imma give up on travelling.
i'll still go.. even if he's no longer my.. u know...
because i have to tc of myself from now. i mena.. every secs from now. .so yea.
that aside.. guess.. my goal is still saving up for trips eh. .o well..
other than that. .i duno anymore...
it'll be weird and a lil risky to meet up with my guy frens if they know im in this situation now =/ i seriously don wan them to think of chances or stuffs liek tha =/ sighs.. i relaly hope not..
..oh.. my stomach. .now guru guru..
oh. .to think that ytd i workey ealry. .then duno why suddenly wrote down like. .10 thigns to do with him the next time im iat sydney againb. well.. guess.. i've wrote them down in vain... ...
my only regrets.. is not able to let their paretns see who i am.. know who i am.. and know how much i love thier son..
i also regret.. not ablt to suntan with him, and doing the 10 lists i just wrote. .and.. video. .not able to gbe him a smiley happy one.. but anywya.. my items he'll throw them all out so yea. memories wil lbe gone along with those i guess. he;s not such a good memroy perosn after all. ...>
but yea. well... like that ba. i'll make new frens. frens from my fren. well she offers this idea so yea. dots. and.. i duno. very slow ba. maybe my life will pick up .. ..i duno. not confident of that. .but.. well... just liek that. ...
so much hings. .not yet done fo rhim or tell him.. or show him.. regrets. .not able to go uss with him.. i guess... well... if its meant to be..., even after 10 or 5years.. miracle wil lstil lappear.. like my frne said.. the sned wrong msg.. didnt happen for nothing after all..
but in any case... it felt as thoguh its a dream.. a nightmare.. .
yea.. i.. i'll try to have my life back. .duno why. slower than him definitely.. but yea.. i'll .. try to see. .if i can get my life back.. onto pace.. and stuff....
yea.. at least.. i had 3 wonderful years with him in my life. he left such footprints in my life.. im grateful... and jsut want him to be really happy. for his happiness is my everything.. .yea. paulien .. just keep thinking this way.. u get replaced, and a happier man plus family is born. all should be gd for them. yea. .he'll be fine.. yea..
i wish i could be that way too.. but.. o well. sorry . having probs doing so. se ehow ba. .in future. i have the confidence of  knowing hteres no lack of guys who want me. but . i have no confidence of falling in love with them. like at all. liek none. like.. yea. i only love him. but. yea.. i.. really didnt know how to love another man. but. .well..
i guess all i need to focus on .. is.. i duno. i need help. how to stay focus at work, concentrate at work, and how to get my life back on track. i have a feelign i wont be able to eat anymore fo rnow.. but im starving. .tmr. .i shall se ehwo... i hope.. i can pick myself up real soon....
he'll be happy right. ...ok.. .thats good then.... ...yea.. he'll be fine.. ..uh huh....
take care sammy... it was nice loving u...
i wish we didnt have to listen to others.. ..
o well...  would u guys have done the same?
ha.. how funny it would be if he evvr get a chance to study here.. like those u know.. o well. no use thinkknig abou tthis liao. .paretns waking up soon.. i'd better go rest.. wil ltry to.. so yea... ...
oh.. just now posted a blog. .i guess its sort of meant for him. .or me to read. .but yea. .kidna like a letter to him ba. i duno.. o well.. ..k. .gtg.. .... sighs... ... no. im not fine.
...jaa....mata ne..... ................

I loved u salim

Don't Cry Over Someone That Won't Cry Over You

Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like I Cried For You,

Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You,

Some Day You'll Need Me Like I Needed You,

Some Day You'll Love Me But I Won't Love You

If I never met you, I wouldn't like you.

If I didn't like you I wouldn't love you.

If I didn't love you I wouldn't miss you,

but I did, I do and I will.

The day you finally decide to love me will be the day

after the day I have given up on chasing you

Moving on is simple,

it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult

If someone you love hurts you cry a river,

build a bridge, and get over it.

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy,

I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry,

I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me-

I’m going to smile.

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated,

it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

At least be there to wipe away my tears

if you're going to make me cry.

You can fall in love in an instant.

It's letting go that takes time.

Even when I pour my heart out to you,

I'm not sure it shows,

that I love you more than you'll ever know.

How do you heal a broken heart?

I have no idea where to start because everything I do reminds me of you

When you love him - truly love him,

how are you supposed to get over him?

I've tried everything possible ...

but I just can't. Isn't that what true love is?

Sometimes we tend to be in despair

when the person we love leaves us,

but the truth is, it's not our loss,

but theirs, for they left the only person

who wouldn't give up on them.

You said you didn't want to see me get hurt,

so does that mean you closed your eyes when I cried?

I wish I was a kid again,

because skinned knees are

easier to fix then broken hearts.

Because I never really had you at all,

I didn't think it would hurt this much to lose you

How can I love again when I can't

stop loving the one that hurt me so much?

A broken heart is a heart that has felt love.

If tears could build a stairway on memories alone,

I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.

Ask me how many times my heart has been broken

and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars.

Until the angels close my eyes,

I can't imagine seeing life without you.

Many waters cannot quench love,

neither can floods drown it.

Come let us take our fill of love until the morning:

let us solace ourselves with loves.

It really hurts when you expected so much

more from the person you once loved so much.

And now, all that I ever held dear is just a memory.

Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person

we love without wanting to.

Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped

loving them or we've stopped to care.

Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.

If the truth was told instead of a lie,

then the pain would go away sooner

and not hurt as much.

It's like my mind knows what's right

but my heart is being retarded and still cares

May you know the peace and comfort

this heartfelt thought imparts;

the ones we love are never gone,

for they live within our hearts.

They say, 'Time heals all wounds.'

If that is true, then I guess mine go deeper than pain.

There are no words to choose over losing you.

I guess I found out out too late,

and now all I feel is heartbreak

that only hurts when I breathe.

To love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering one must not love.

But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer,

not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer.

But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love,

or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down.

I wish I had the guts to walk away

and forget

Feeling the aussie time

wow.. wakey at 7.30am.. gosh s oearly. i cant control it. haiz.. hope my energy can last me till closing.
hm... still missing him.. i wonder how he felt back then.. after i went into the departure gate.. wonde rif he's missing me as mcuh.. or loving me as much still..

oh me wakey with like.. heart pouding kinda feeling.nerbous ba.. to go back to work. haha.
omg. i hope it will be a gd day today.

im looking forward to july.. though it wont be easy but yea..
o well.. hang on ne..
oh and imma save los of money. so perhaps could even stay a longer time when im back to sydney again .
7 nights are actually quite long. ha. but. .yea. best art is he's there fo rme.

and you know how pl are like.. ok?... then they kinda like stumbled around making a mess or fool of themselves when they're in front of the person they love?
 think thats what happened to me. ha. like never happened around with my frens or family.. then suddenly ha.. i think because im focusing too much on him... look at hinm. .hold himn.. rmemebr  his feel and all that...
o well. lol.

wow.. abit nervous. .really.. .go to work.. ha. again. o well.

and yes. i am very glad to say that this trip also brought me insights about how i should continue doing my work. rmemebr that time i was abit down and confused? now no.. work harder than ever before.. and gona do my own thing. thtas their business if they wan to use phone or whatever shoot. so yea. im jsut gonna do my own thing.
see.. eveyrhting i came back form sydney, i'll have an answer to somethign. ha. ..

hm.. o well..

oh. saw a book when i was there. at kinokuniya.
attracted me to it ha. interesting. clever idea of saying how ppl would get murdered, and die after they read the book. lol. so far... okok... alil boring.
perhaps during breaktime i shall read again.. stay in the back room do some reading. .prevent me from shopping. ha. = save money. cheers.
XD
well... yea. i hope that'll do.
but only problem is that backroom is so cold always. freezing.
tch.. =. an hour to go before imma go get ready.
oh finally my phone's been fixed. lol. very glad. =)
really thx to sammy . like yea really. very relaly thankful to him.
my phoens fine now. and its not irritating me anymore.
normal pace and stuff.
sammy said that he couldnt online chat with me that often anymore.
and he'll be concentrating onhis polo.. so yea....
well.. i should find the time to.. i duno.. read// check out apps.. blah2... yea.. something liek that ba. o wlel.
i must get used to it.. uh huh.. perhaps could have more tiem to meet up with my frens.
yea. .though only need him but.. yea...
o well. i should learn something from him sometimes. ha

it sure was a great get away for both of us.
haha. i like being tan now. LOL.
enjoyed. ha.

hmm..... ...
still missing him relaly alot.....
o well...........
i shall do my best....

hmm.... well... sydney and sammy,... i shall see them real soon. haiz.. sammy turning 22 this yhear.. yet couldnt celebrate with him.. =(
can only do so through skype ba.. o well...

hm... wow. .2nd year for him alreayd...
oh. yay. the roller coaster rides are on. lol. i hope it will last. =)  uss. gd. then sammy can have a look or even ride on them eh.

ok! my life's starting again. wish me luck for todya peeps.
uh huh.... i can do this..

oh.. btw. .that time my fren was telling me.. oh cos of hte weather in sydney, our hair will not be frizzy liek in sg... cos the weather there is blah3... so hair is straight and smooth. my fren went to melbourne. i was like.. huh? but last year wasnt like that. and indeeed. now back in sg, omg. my hair is straight smooth adn gd. no wonder... when i was in sydney, twice alreayd. my hair like.. fluffly abit messy. .just aint gd. omg. maybe cos of sun wind, or.. i duno. yea. .come to think of it. uh huh... no wonder i feel like i look abit diff or funny. cos of my hair =.= . it was pretty difficult to place it nice.. well, just one word. messy. ok,. not scarily messy. but well, at least i look better now.
 aw.. but wish he could see the best of me..

o well... naywya yea.. glad to say tht my hair is back to usual shape now. all smooth adn pretty. LOl. ha.. yea.. flat and gd. no flyaways . very easy to manage. =)
i shouldve known. .ha.. especially after shapmpooing.. and drying.. oh liek their hair dryer. ha. then hair so dry still... like thick and fluffy. i dun like. make me look tired or sumtin.

oh ea. was telling sammy don rememerbr  the way i cry u know.. like red eyes and stuff.. omg. to think that he has he video now of me loking down and sad... gonna cry... cant even say out a loud i lvoe u to the video(him)... dots... but o well.. at least still have video ba. seriously.. thought of videoing us together more.. .but.. i duno.. im still ver scarfed.. pics.. okok ba. .but if videos.. i scared will cry and sad.. well, the one he video me with us at sentosa inside cable car.. always make me wanna cry. ha. basically his voice will make me cry. sobx.

hm.. k ba. i'll do my bes ttoday. htinking of him being next to me too. jia you pauline.

mata ne.... 

missing him and sydney

hm... really like the karaoke there.. in sydney. wow. its great. nice place.. gd atmosphere.. i relaly like hte microphone so much. i was shocked too when i sang is using the mike there. it felt diff.. and nice..  the mike.. then when i sing, .. erm wow. ok. i know hte way i sing sometimes. but not trying to brag or whatever, i thoguht i was a singger at that time,. my voice came out.. and its my only song to sing.. my voice aint open up yet either. like. .wow. it really .. sounded like .. wow. i duno what to say. same thing happened again. my fren thta time thoguht i wasnt singing with my voice. this time too.
i menan.. .even i couldnt bvelieve it. not saying im super gd.. but.. wow. would so love to sing there mroe. but apity i cant.. cos.. i sing mostly slow love songs and stuffs? but if i do, it'll seem so bored for sammy with his frens.. dun wanna makje the atmosphere sux.. thtas why. ahh.. perhaps.. i could sing whne he's with me laone next tim e =) great idea. shall note tha down.
haiz. .really miss him so much todya. plus sydney. cant wait to get back there again .=)
am very glad ot hear his voice today through skype. very glad. really make me so happy.
haiz. .but tmr back to work liao. will wokr my owb way. and hang on lots. i will.
..o well.
his words shall be my strength. and i will remmeber that he's with me all this time.

so yea. such fabulous times for this week... dfates and dates. .and ngiht time lappy movies... wow. i couldnt;ve ask fo rmmore. awesome.
bah.. o well... thesen memoreies shall carry me forward.. and i will hang on till i see him again.
gamabte ne.. .
hhm. .suddenly so cold now..
sammy side is so shockinyly h\ot. omg.
41 degrees.. .sydneys summer is firghtening indded.
wow.
ok.
and so.. i shall hang on fo rtmr.. jia you desu...
when sammy asked me to think overof the how the benefits of having a bf in sg.. buy me breakfast.. blah3...
i thoguht of something.
a book i read somewhere. ldr book.
she said.. ppl asked her why she would rather date soemone from afr rather than here. she replied( i blgo about this before) would u rather go for CONvenience,  or True love?
at that moment, i totally felt her words. i alreayd knew what she meant. but i was like so totally get wha she meant by that.
it slike i almost wanted to say that to him...
haiz.. well.. thats wat i think.. but ya.. ..

o well...
anyway. .gosh im so slpy aleayd.. but dread to slp .. huu.. back to work soon...
hjoldiay over. hope jjuly will have something great happen...
perhaps another holiday eh? ha.. o well.
so ncie.. my manager heading to paris for 3 weeks. T_T
omg. 3 weeks away from work. thats great. ha.

k... tmr. .wish me luck .
nice chat. hang on pauline. u cna mak eit.

mata

long story about trip to sydney 2011

ok... so.. im back in sg. ..sighes... =/ sad. but what to do.
after im back, well.... ...hm... yea.. i learned quite afew..
and i understand sammy situation more.. at least i understand his stand better than before..
i feel very bad towards him too.. sighs.. but yea.. o well....
anyway, im very glad he had fun for the week. and me too..
very thankful to himn as well,..
yea...
i will treat him better than ever before. doing my best k. ha..
im touched for what he went through fo rme..
just wish.. if only ppl could understand us. .and support us..
but well.. its kinda expected for our situation..
so yea..
gosh.. im trying to dl something...
but it's like so long. keep cutting off. duno isit cos of me keep getting dc, or whats the prob. haiz. =/ really wish to have it done by today.
hm... haiz.. the hope of swty coming in july and stay at my place , busted.
he say they dont allow..
haiz.. o well.. i dxuno. however, still hoping he could come.
this trip, yea.. not too bad. erm its very hot and sweaty. hoeveer, this weather ould be better than the last?
wow.. its amazing. from the first sday till the last. howevver, my period gotta ruin lots of things. haiz. making me uncomfortable =/
glad he can understand.. but still.. yea.
i like sydney better than before now.
but the food there.. perhaps im still not used to eating and stuff. ha.
my stomach expanded i think. so bloated too. haiz.
then becos of period and forgot to bring swim wear, =/ eneded up didnt go suntan. i would love to try though. but yea. wrong timing i supposed.
oh yea.. at one point sammy was out for the night with his family.
then me alone in hotel room... watching animes.. then theres a 8 leggeed spidgey.. huu.. .so scary . wishing he woul be home soon. but he did not. after a real long huge fight' and shifting away from the creature, it finally stopped. then sammy is back. huu.. .i relaly miss him sooo much =/ like yea. it was super great to see him back into the room.  then haha. finally with him ard, i drink. ha. nice drink. like vanilla coke. so we drank, and finally!! i had my wish came true. we played the conversation starter. yay. haha. but didnt complete it thgouh huu. but nvm. next time ba.

one fo the day we went to luna park. roller coaster ride and stuff. ha. wow. extreme. omg.
hm... one of the days, we actuall didnt go anywhere. we stayed and slp in.. til late aftnoon =) then he played 2 movies. we watch... and yea...
it was sooo nice to stay inad watch movies wiht him through his lappy. though i fell aslp here and then. hahaha. cos too slpy and tired.
so yea...
well, at the end of day, couldnt managed to buy him bottles of drninks. cos its only meant fo rme to bring to sg. so cannot buy for him. hiayo..

hm... then he video me. omg. i watched. and huu... T_T wth. i looked so sad and tired plus down. then i recalled why. cos he was saying i love u. and for the whole day down, i was alreayd feeling very sad.. and keeep helding back my tears... =/ uh huh.. i could see my eyes.. teary and abit red.. huu.. so thats how i look like whne i was gonna cry.. haiz.
wish could given him a better happy video of me. i couldnt even face the cam.. cos looking at him .. haiz. .heart melts.. sad.. gonna leave liao.. os yea.. tryingso hard not to cry.. ...
final night in sydney, he walked wiht me. .theres this beautiful view.. opera house.. luna park.. got romantic music.. sounds of waves..
we had ice cream..
uh huh... he rememberd which flav i boguh the other time. ha. wow. suprised ne. =)
hm.. .yea.. theres so muh to tell him too.. but i couldnt. cos will keep crying. he's good. he didnt cry. i wish could be like that for me. ha.
yea.. all i cna do is to tank him, and apologized too.... ...cos.. yea.. haiz.. his parents dont like me.. so what can i do..
alreayd given me the death sentence so fast. ..ha.. o well..
anywya, he deserve the best. and.. i guess im not that type of best.
today woeky very early .auto. alreayd missing him. always does.
lets see.. what els emy time of month destroys..
ahh.. i didn wear the sexy leggings for him . haiz. only wore one time? or 2.. yea. T_T baka desu... uu knowar.. how u dont or cant really feel gd or sexy when u're having that. red month. argh. hate it. =.=
who doesnt. anyway... yea.. then cant go suntan properly.. couldnt approach him as muh as i wanted to..
like yea... i really hope in july, if he's here, i'll be ready to meet him, clean and fresh!!!
goodness. period2..... haiz.. i hate u. but im glad he's still understanding enough. gosh.. =/ how i stop loving him if he's always so nice... sighs.. if i dont get to spedn my life with him... then how... happiness would be all gone.. ..sighs.. anyway.. now im just doing my best .. work hard and stuff...
for a better future. stronger after im back. i'll do my best. and yea. for myself too. i wold love to work inm sydney for a change. like my manager. transfer to sg. but who knows. yea.. i should work harder than ever before, and make the request worht the trouble. =)

 we waked past a cupld of times.. sammys school. its like. .so happening =.=
hahahaa. its relaly diff form my life.
maybe without me.. yea. his life wont get dis ba.. but if me.. .. i think i'll changed. to who, i duno. ha. but yea... o well...
just wanna think of the happy moments now.
its as though he's still with me. i took real gd long look at him.
hold him tight, feel him... everything. i remember. yea.. thast why maybe now.. still fresh in my head ba.
his voice and smile. .and his personailty.. huu.. i want him now. miss him so much liao.
going there and spend the money, isnt wasted at all.
i... i am realy gald we both enjoyed oursleves. and yea.
its great. most importantly , is that he must be happy for the week.
maybe i might continue blogging again ;ater or sumtin. see how. because i cant really type all memories here at one go. might've forgotten some stuffs. ha

 oh.. took pics. uh huh. told myself. don regret not taking heaps. so do it!!!! i did,. and im happy he did too. =) ha. though not like 500 per day . XD but yea.. still gd enough. i always look so happy in the pic with him. yea.. he makes me happy =')
such precious time togetehr..
must stay positive.. uh huh. i'll do my best.
we had a very expensive meal together. lol.
very. uh huh XD but its ok. once in a while. its worth it .=)consider tatas our valentines day ba. =) haha.
haiyo.. forgot to pack the kikki-k stuff for hm. he really like it.when he's in the store that is. haiyo.. baka desu. then my contatc lens too. up till now i still cnat find it. omg. i thought i'd packed them in alreayd!!
thats so weird. but o well...
oh.. then at the end of last few days, finally can kissy my man. huu... vbut at least still can ba.. better than 0 days right? o well..
we departed.. i still cried.. haiyo... but yea... .... stronger abit now.. but yea.. huu... the dl keep having prob. =/baka...

hm..... the weathers hot and yea.. sweaty .
while i missed ut that time sg keep on raining. very cold my bro said.
hm... never rain in sydney.. hm...
we spend so much money on food. ha. but its ok. i don rally shop much. only get small coupld of items.
first 3 dasy are wonderful. cos we have energy. lol. then still wonderful. but yea. energy abit drained . ha.
still very good.
of course gd. cos he;s right wiht me.

hm... went to the strand. .get my kikki k stuff.. ha. the service there is so normal .thats weird. to think i serioulsy greeted every customer and say thank u to all of them.
besides me, its only my ex manager who'd done that. sabrina. duh of course. its weird... o well. .duno ba.
hm.....
o well.  so yea.. basically all's gd.. understand the situation more now.. gotten stronger i guess. know whats my target. hm.. yea. tougher days ahead. but just move on.
it'll be soon beore i see him again.
 lol. and he didnt know i was a assiatant manager. XD o well.
hm.... oh. dl failed again. argh... should be my dl speed ba? =/ sianz..
o well.. hope by tonight can make it. huu...
miss his voice alreayd..  all these wonderful new memories, i'll keep them with me. and it'll hold me strong till i see him again.
today wanna have a gd time. rest and have steamboat.
kk. i will gambate de.
hey. aleins been sighted again. azfter about 60 years or so.. tey are back again. no abductions yet. but tehy might be making their presense known.. i jus have this strange feelings. anywya.. yea. given the diasters of this world.. im not surprised. lol. well, who know swhat really is happening excatly eh.
besides, 2012 will come in a short time. somehow. we shall see what more in stores for us. lol it'll be interesting to have the news of abductions happening again on earth. to continue from where the left off.
haiz.. the dl.. omg. make me so slpy .
-night time... before sleepy.. always must remember that there is someone who really loves you alot alot over the other side of this world..-
k.. abit slpy now.. too much to write.. ..ha... well, let sjust say.. these fresh new memories fo rme, even for a week.. its hte best in this world. i didnt held back. no regrets. i let him know htat i love him. and i keep telling him that from the bottom of my heart all this time.. k ba..
talk next time. ha.
jaa mata