Not ok in truth

.so.. found out that he did lied and hide some stuffs. o well……….. nvm…  already have the feeling it was true..

hm… i guess im getting really good at lying to myself. ytd i done a pretty gd job in front of family. yea. .thats gd. just don wan them to worry u know… rather bottle it up. not gd.. but .. yea.. i do not wish for mum to nag and u know.. worry or sad for me and stuff..

yanika gave me a hug todya.. same years together.. off contact for months.. then to sg she go.. first month is relaly difficult. .nights especially.. then about a year before contact together again. he was here to visit her she said. she said i met him. but i dont remember anything about her ex coming to see her. but anyway, met a couple of her guy frens. duno whichs which.
i thought i would be fine.. i thought.. but it didnt work out that way.. i guess thats the reult of bottling it up.. so yea..

…one year?… =( i cant imagine .i duno.. i hold him so dearly in my life and to my heart. such a dearest person to me.. …sighs. .o well… one year.. thats like.. not even being frens anymore.. having said that.. i do not know of her situation.. maybe he initiates it? thats why she’s hurt? i duno. .but whatever it is…o well.. cant imagine..

ytd. .sad.. workplace.. cant imagine he;s with me no more.. i have to be lone. then get the stupid cold shoulder form manager still .i don give a man of her i guess. i duno. i just wanna do m job. … but still cna feel really down.. then cried in backroom.. cos couldnt u know.. i always msn him about everything. sad or happy or break. .and stuff.. ..even omw to work. im stil ltyring to get pass that. .but yea..
o well.. .just.. u know. ….being alone now.

sighs.. yea .. u know. im serioulsy htinking. i should really go to melb next jan. or perhaps melb then to syd. that would be quite of an advantage eh. travelling ard… perhaps i wil lget ot meet up my fren there for the first time too. but i duno. we shall see yea…. that sounds scary.. but o well… i have to look forward to something .. so yea.. … i wonder hows he holding it up.. all my memory books and stuffs.. should be in the bin or out in the street now. ha. …. o well. .i still have the items. .stickers cards and stuffs.. i never get to mail; to him.. … i duno what to do with those now…. ..=/…
so yea.. …so wasted eh.. … ..his photos still in my phone.. i still look at it every now and then… u know.. cos i was so happy that time.. hmm… well its a total diffferent situation now.. but yea.. o well…

u know.. i guess i was wrong. no matter how busy life is, or how much im concentratingon sumtin,. there’ll always be him here and there.. and.. i can never be really ok’. i cna bottle it up, hide it away.. but it’s gonna always be there .. those scars.. yea… it’ll be there…. and.. ..yea.. i’ll never be ok.. future who knows.. but for now… i can choose to pretend and ignore.. but deep inside, there’ll never be a ok…yet. now i know..

o well……….. ….. let it be bah.. i .. haven thank him properly.. i should sdo so ba?.. cos at least he ask me to tc of my mum and stuff.. but i could only cry at that time. .i couldnt think of waht to say to him.. so yea.. ..haiz..

k ba.. hungry…

oh.. theres this colleague.. today meeting mah.. last time i met her  was at the xmas party..
she saw me.. today. she said she couldnt recognized me. .i am so skinny she said. i duno. am i? .. whne i look through pics with sammy in sydney, .. i think.. my face.. i duno.. like. .boney abit.. liek ,. just abit skinny ba. .face .i duno. … or maybe its after i came back. .then i lost weight ? i duno… well.. broken hearted person..

….so near yet so far.. sighs…….

mata